On the Other Side of Rejection: Lighting Her Own Way

I grew up being a perfectionist, always trying to please a parent who never would be. At the age of 22 when I finally stood up to that parent, I learned who he really was, and that was the last day I spoke to him. Emancipating myself from him was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. There were times when it nearly destroyed me, when people felt compelled to tell me that they disagreed with me, but I persisted because I believed that no one should endure such shame and disrespect. Through it all, it prepared me for the world.

Earlier this year when my partner and I returned to his hometown in the Midwest for a family celebration, I experienced this all over again. I had met and interacted with my partner’s step-father previously, so my guard was down when we traveled to their home this year. However, from the moment I set foot in his kitchen, I knew that something had changed, that I wasn’t welcome, that we weren’t welcome. What unfolded as a joyous day for most was in fact uncomfortable and acutely painful for me as I watched the host welcome everyone into his home while he either completely ignored me, made fun of me with his friends, or spoke icily to me. My partner didn’t realize that anything was brewing until the next day when he and I were forced to leave his parents’ house. Initially I was more upset by this than my partner was. Having been through this, I knew what lay ahead; it would take my partner some time to begin to understand the gravity of this. 

Just before that devastating trip to the Midwest, I attended a Vision Board Party, which is where I acquired many of the elements used in my next piece. The groundwork was laid during the party/workshop, but it wasn't until returning home to Buffalo that I delved deeply into the piece. After working diligently for several days, in late February 2015 the convergence of different elements and emotions resulted in:

Lighting Her Own Way

This mixed media piece is composed of magazine clippings, acrylic paint, glitter card stock, and marker ink. I had a general idea of the visual aspect of the piece that I wanted, but I couldn't quite create it until a cold and snowy February day when I heard the piano version of "I'm in Here" by Sia. Listening to the song on my headphones while working set the stage for this piece. The song, which perfectly captured the emotional tone of the trip and the days that followed, echoed my inner feelings:

I'm in here. 
Can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I'm in here.
A prisoner of history.
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot live with inside of me.

I'm crying out,
I'm breaking down,
I am fearing it all,
Stuck inside these walls,
Tell me there is hope for me.
Is anybody out there listening?

I'm in here.
Can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

I was lead to create a sunface for this piece because I was working with the idea of light. (I have been drawn to sunface and moonface art since I was a teenager, and as such, it tends to be a motif in my work.) As I reflected on my experience with my father and recalled how it was up to me to find my own way, I recognized that the same would be true for my partner and me in his situation. In fact, it's a universal theme for anyone who's been rejected by a parent: you have to learn to be your own source of happiness, your own light, when your parent has turned away from the joy of you. To me, the sun in this piece embodies that idea. She is lighting her own way. 

Featured in this post: Lighting Her Own Way 
All current artwork can be found in my profile at Fine Art America. Thank you for your time and your support.